


follow me home

by orphan_account



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alice In Wonderland AU, Alice: Madness Returns AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2692634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You okay?” Evgeni asks, and Sidney looks up again. Evgeni is frowning at him.</p><p>“I’ll be fine. It’s nothing.” Sidney brushes the question off and pushes the sheets away to stand up. Evgeni steps in front of him, so Sidney can’t get to the door. </p><p>“Should stay in bed. You not look okay."</p>
            </blockquote>





	follow me home

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy 
> 
> first of all let me just say i never thought i would have finished this thing. i will be completely honest, i was writing and editing this thing up until the night before my posting date. i am a terrible person.
> 
> i have to give HUGE thanks to my beta Naomi. she was playing no games, and she made this story what it is. she is such a great beta, and without her this story would have turned out completely differently, and would probably still be sitting in my google docs unfinished.  
> i also have to give a huge thanks to amosanguis for letting me talk some of the early plot points out with you when i was still trying to wrangle this idea and figure out my footing.  
> tbh this fic amazes me because when i started writing it i had one very clear idea in my head and then as i started writing it jumped off into a million different ones. that's part of what made this so hard to finish. 
> 
> alright let me stop rambling and actually tell you things you need to know! this fic is very heavily based on/inspired by the video game by American McGee called Alice: Madness Returns. it is exactly what it says in the tags - a very twisted version of the classic story of alice in wonderland. there is a heavy theme of violence and the main character having a shitty life. things work out, but this story does have fighting and blood and all that, so if you aren't comfortable, then please don't continue reading!
> 
> lastly, thank you to Ira123 for my lovely cover art! :)

_"Another day, a different dream perhaps. Is it mad to pray for better hallucinations?"_

&&

Sidney’s Wonderland is twisted and cold, and there is nothing happy about it.

His reality is much of the same, fucked up and chilly, dripping with black and white misery. Each day he goes through it, and each day there are more problems that appear. He relives his past and he gets thrown into Wonderland, violently spat back out, and the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Sidney’s just waiting for the day that everything finally ends.

There’s the doctor that he has to talks to about his problems, and there are other kids. Sidney knows what they say about him. It’s never anything good. Ever since he came to Houndsditch Home, they’ve whispered about him. They say things about how he’s lost his mind, how he killed his family, how he was locked up in the asylum because they didn’t know where else to put him. It frustrated Sidney when he first arrived, because he barely remembered anything at that point, yet the kids all seemed to know his life story. He used to pick fights a lot, but now he just ignores them. He fights enough in Wonderland.

Nothing in Sidney’s life is good, but he manages. He deals with it. He goes along with whatever happens the best that he can, and he just tries to keep it together.

More than that, he tries to remember. Because his reality - the doctors, the questioning old ladies that live in town and the snotty remarks they gives him when he walks down the street- they all try and make him forget. They want him to forget what happened; forget the fire and forget his family. They tell him that if he forgets he’ll get better.

But Sidney can’t forget. If he forgets, he dies. If his memories are gone, then that means so is Sidney, in a sense. He becomes a shell, a hollowed version of the person he used to be but he can’t remember being anymore. That can’t happen yet. Sidney doesn’t want it to happen yet. So he holds the rare memories he has close to him, and he embraces every trip to Wonderland. The more he travels, the more he remembers, and the more the fakeness starts to crumble away and reveal the truth that was hiding behind it.

Sidney’s having a particularly bad day. He has a fight with his doctor and is pestered by one of the town’s stray cats when he’s wandering around downtown. He follows the cat into a dead end and ends up sucked back into Wonderland, right in the middle of a clusterfuck. There’s bug-eyed monsters everywhere. He barely has time to think.

Sidney has to kill them all with his hands, and broken pieces of things he finds in the grass. This part of Wonderland is one that Sidney had thought to be peaceful before, but it’s obvious things have changed since he was last here. The rivers that run through the fields are now tinged red, and there’s no birds singing anymore.  

Sidney rounds a corner, heading further down the forest’s trail, to see a dead beast sprawled in the clearing with a knife in its back. A _familiar_ knife.

The Vorpal Blade, when Sidney pulls it out of the beast, is just as magnificent as Sidney remembers. He holds the hilt in his right hand and runs his palm against the flat side of the blade. This is the knife he held the last time he was in Wonderland, but the memories of that trip make his head hurt.

That’s when the Cheshire Cat begins to materialize. After the first trip to Wonderland, when Sidney went home for what he thought was the last time, he had stopped seeing the Cat. Now, Sidney can feel the wide eyes that are characteristic of the Cat watching him.

“Oh, look who it is! And be careful with that, it’s dangerous!” Flower’s voice carries through the air from his perch at the edge of the clearing. Sidney resists the urge to roll his eyes and turns, now holding the Vorpal Blade loosely in his hand. He spots the Cat sitting on one of the boulders that fit in front of the tree line. Flower looks as sly and menacing as ever.

“Well, I see you’re still alive,” Sidney greets him, tightening his fingers around the handle. Flower gives him a feral grin. As he moves, the red rose pattern of his coat seems to swim across his body.

“Barely. Thank you for that, by the way,” Flower says with a sneer. Sidney just shrugs. It wasn’t his fault the Queen blew everything up. How was he supposed to know that she would react that badly to losing a game of hockey?

Flower flicks his tail in disdain. “I didn’t think you would come back after that. Things have been…” He pauses, and looks around at the mess of blood and slime coating the clearing that they’re standing in. “Hectic, to say the least.”

“I suppose you want me to do something about it.” Sidney says, narrowing his eyes. Flower laughs, low and not at all happy sounding.

“Sidney, what choice do any of us have here? The Vorpal Blade came to you. You know why.”

That’s the thing - Sidney _does_ know. He just wishes he didn’t.

When Flower disappears this time, he disintegrates, the flowers seemingly melting off his body as he vanishes. There’s no more slow tendrils of smoke, his body parts disappearing one by one like they’re being smudged away from Wonderland. That was before. Now, Sidney just watches him go and prepares to be knocked back into reality.

He comes to with Old Lady Snatch standing over him, looking disapproving and disgusted.

“Had another one of your fits again?” she asks, her voice as scratchy and grating as Sidney remembers. He doesn’t answer her, just picks himself up from the concrete and tries to brush away as much of the dirt he can. She keeps persisting though, clucking her tongue at him, saying, “You were always ungrateful, always unfixable. Never said thank you, not once!”

Sidney doesn’t bother saying anything. She wouldn’t listen to him anyway, she never does. He knows she wouldn’t start now.

“Did you see The Doctor today?” she asks, turning towards Sidney again. He just looks at her blankly, but she keeps going as if he answered her. It’s what she always does. “Doc is a good man. Only man who’d be willing to help you, you should remember. It was either him and the electric chair, boy. You better feel grateful.”

Sidney glances away and sighs. In the years he has known Old Lady Snatch nothing has changed. From the night she pulled Sidney out of the fire to now, she has continued with the same grind of crushing him underneath her boot and treating him like dirt. Sidney stayed with her for while after the fire before Mario, a friend of his father’s, took him in. Mario was better than Old Lady Snatch, but he still wasn’t Sidney’s parents.

Years later, he was forced to leave Mario and to go stay in the school with the Doctor and the other kids, but he doesn’t think it’s been much of an improvement. However, his dingy room in the bleak building is home, and that’s where he heads after Old Lady Snatch finally shoos him away from her.

When Sidney pushes open the door to his room, there’s a guy sitting on the edge of the extra bed that’s been empty forever. It’s not one of the regulars, because Sidney doesn’t recognize him. Even still, the guy looks entirely too happy to be living with the Doctor. He doesn’t seem broken like all the other kids, either.

The guy looks up at Sidney, still stopped in the doorway, and gives a huge smile. Sidney almost stumbles because the happiness behind it is nearly blinding. Sidney hasn’t seen someone actually _smile_ in… well. Sidney doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone smile like that.

“Hello!” the guy says, hopping off of the bed. Sidney doesn’t say anything, but it doesn’t faze the other guy. He just continues, his voice carrying a heavy accent. “I’m Evgeni Malkin. I’m new patient, and roommate."

“My name’s Sidney. Welcome to Houndsditch Home, I guess,” he says, still feeling confused. Evgeni nods, his smile still blinding. For the long time after this Sidney knows Evgeni, he will never get used to seeing that smile.

&

Evgeni sticks to Sidney like glue after their first meeting. Sidney doesn’t really understand why - the Home is dreary enough as it is, all dark washed wood and gray wallpaper that’s peeling off in the corners, and Sidney knows that he is one of the most negative people in the place. The Home is one of the most dreadful places in Pittsburgh, a building so old that whenever the wind blows the temperature inside drops nearly ten degrees. It’s right next to where the town is building a new train station, and that means that every day without fail the only thing you can hear are the horribly loud sounds of construction tools and workers yelling back and forth.

The other kids would be able to offer better friendship to Evgeni than Sidney ever could. Mostly because they would actually try, whereas Sidney has been on his own for so long that other people seem like too much of a hassle.

It’s obvious that Evgeni doesn’t think of him that way though, because he keeps coming back to their room, checking to see if Sidney's there. If he is, Geno will stay and chatter at him in an endless stream of Russian and English. He doesn’t seem to care if Sidney is actually listening or not, and for the first few days it’s absolutely maddening. The whole act drives Sidney up a wall, and he’s pretty sure he hates the guy already.

But then, Geno has a bad appointment with The Doctor. He’s in The Doctor’s Office for longer than he usually is, the wooden door closed tight. It’s the only door in the house with a nameplate on it, and the metal is clean and polished, a stark contrast to the tarnished metal numbers that hang on the other doors. Sidney sits on his bed and he waits for Geno, but he doesn’t show up back at their room when he usually does. When he finally gets let go, Geno slinks down the hall and avoids meeting anyone’s eye, especially Sidney’s. Sidney doesn't know where he goes and Geno doesn't come back to the room.

And Sidney - Sidney finds he really fucking misses him. He misses the talk, misses having someone to be around. He misses Geno’s smile.

Damn it.

&

Sidney doesn’t get time to figure out what happened with Geno, because that night he tosses and turns in bed until he wakes up in Wonderland. He’s landed himself in the Duchess’s Kitchen. Sidney tenses up as soon as he sees her, and immediately reaches for the Vorpal Blade. She _tsks_ at him as he takes it out, uncrossing her arms and moving her hands to her wide hips.

She looks the same as Sidney remembers. Her kitchen apron is still the same shade of off white, her hair is still tucked away in her blue bandana, and she’s still wearing a yellow button up blouse with long, layered skirts.

“Now, now. No need for that,” Mattea says. “You have no reason to be waving that thing around in my kitchen, Sidney.”

“The last time I was in here, you were trying to eat me. I think my worry is justified,” Sidney says. He doesn’t put away the Blade, which makes the Duchess scoff.

“Don’t flatter yourself, boy. I have no interest in you. I have a keen interest in pork now,” she says, turning up her nose and recrossing her arms. Sidney rolls his eyes.

“In fact, I have a favor to ask of you.” Mattea uncrosses her arms again and picks up the Grinder from one of the open drawers as she speaks. She holds it out to Sidney. “I need some more pig snouts for my recipe. Go pepper some for me with the Grinder, will you?”

Sidney rolls his eyes, but he does as she asks. Mattea Niskanen, no matter how much a pain, can be a helpful ally now she isn’t trying to eat him. Besides, the Grinder is practically humming in Sidney’s hands and he can’t wait to destroy some shit with it.

&

Outside Mattea’s small kitchen, the forest continues and so does the trail. Right outside of her door is a small clearing that’s infested with Botterflys, hybrid mechanical flying things that only serve to get in the way. Their nests are everywhere - on the ground, in the trees, and hiding behind the rocks. Even using the Grinder to shoot the nests down, it takes Sidney forever to get past them.

Once he does clear them, Sidney finds that it’s easier to listen for any nearby snouts. He finds two of them flying around, and peppers them quick, one right after the other, following them to the edge of the forest before a deep cliff where one of the waterfalls’ rivers comes down. The snouts disappear, heading for Mattea’s kitchen, and leave behind a bridge for Sidney to cross over.

On the other side of the river, Sidney finds a sparse forest, and more Botterfly nests. He grits his teeth and fits his fingers more tightly around the handle of the Grinder.

This time it takes longer, and before Sidney can break apart the last of the nests, Insidious Ruins start to rise up from the black sludge Sidney didn’t notice pooling around his feet. Sidney jumps back as one of them yells in his face, and stumbles across the uneven forest floor.

The Ruins move slowly and jerkily towards him. There isn’t much to them - they’re basically walking masses of black oil with pasty doll faces, and more creepy than dangerous. Sidney was mostly just caught off guard. Once he realizes what he’s dealing with, he quickly gets to his feet and switches the Grinder out for the Vorpal Blade so he can cut the Ruins down.

After Sidney clears the rest of the forest in search of pig snouts, he turns back around to Mattea’s kitchen. Dealing with the Botterflys and the Ruins was a pain in his ass, but Sidney can’t deny how helpful the pig snouts turned out to be for him. They’re incredibly easy to find, flying up above his head and making so much noise that it’s impossible not to hear them, and the paths that they leave behind for him always lead him to good things.

And the Pepper Grinder works _great_. It’s more efficient for long ranged attacks than the Vorpal Blade, and Sidney likes the satisfaction it gives him to shoot enemies out of the sky.  He wonders if Mattea will tell him where she got it from.

&

In the end, Mattea lets him keep the Grinder.

“Just keep a look out for snouts for me, yeah? I’ll leave you rewards if you pepper me some more pigs,” she says when Sidney heads back to her kitchen. He easily agrees.

“I’ll do what I can, Mattea,” Sidney says and the Duchess happily unlocks her back door for him so that Sidney can move on. He’s glad to leave her kitchen - even as an ally, she still makes him uneasy.

&

Sidney’s next foreseeable stops are the Hatter’s Workshops. He isn’t looking forward to it, but the Hatter might know something that Sidney doesn’t. He has to swing by, even though Sidney would much rather stay far away from the Hatter and his unnecessary headaches. The last time Sidney got involved with him, his riddles drove Sidney mad and distracted him enough that the Hatter killed off Sidney’s guide, the Hare, and left Sidney stranded in the middle of the Mad Funhouse. From what Sidney remembers, there wasn’t anything _fun_ about that house.

The Crockery isn’t too far, though, so Sidney can just suck it up and make the journey. It might pay off for him in the end, anyway. As annoying and misplaced as the Hatter may be, Sidney can’t deny that Bryz has been helpful to him in the past.

Sidney can hear a pig snout close by. He pulls the Grinder out and listens.

&

The Hatter, when Sidney finds him, is more broken up than even Sidney had anticipated. Bryz is literally in pieces within the garbage dump of his workshop. His legs, arms and hat are missing. Sidney finds him as a severed head in a puddle of oil and stagnant water, his body propped up on a pile of scrap metal not too far away. The man is a pathetic shadow of who he used to be.

“I see the renovations aren’t treating you well,” Sidney says, hands on his hips as he looks down at Bryz. Bryz rolls his eyes.

“Yes, yes. Fear not. Universe humongous big! There is space for everyone. I have space here,” Bryz says.

“That nonsense again. Don’t you ever talk about anything different?” Sidney picks up Bryz’s head and pushes it onto his torso. Bryz doesn’t say anything while he twists his metal neck, readjusting his body to fit together. He can’t move, still just a stump and a head. Where his limbs are, Sidney has no idea.

“Is only game, Sidney! Why you have to be mad?” Bryz sighs. “Train will be leaving soon. Must be gone before then! Train stops for no one, especially not you.”

Sidney doesn’t know why he bothers, honestly. But this is the first that he’s hearing of a train and if Bryz can help him, then Sidney will try to help him back.That's the way it goes. That's the way it always goes, it's the way that Wonderland stays alive. Sidney does what he can and they do what they can. When it's balanced, it works. But it hasn't been working lately. Sidney doesn't know what that is, but he needs to find out before everything falls apart. He doesn't want to know what happens when Wonderland breaks so much that it leaves him completely. He fears it.

“If you tell me what you know about the train then I’ll help you get your limbs back,” SIdney offers.

“Ah, but you don’t know the whole story!” Bryz says, smirking.

“Then clue me in. What happened here, Bryz?” Sidney asks, and Bryz sighs.

“The tea party, Sidney, it all started with a tea party. They were jealous, they were. The Doormouse and the Rabbit. They want my Workshops and I wouldn’t give my factory over to them. ‘Over my dead body,’ I said, and they took me quite serious,” Bryz says scowling. Sidney looks around.

“They’ve run your workshops to the ground, Hatter. This place is a mess.”

“Yes, and that is why they need to be stopped. Run them out and get me my limbs back and then we can talk.” Bryz says and Sidney nods.

He needs to find out about that train. He’s not sure yet, but Sidney thinks it has something to do with this change in Wonderland.

&

Flower meets up with Sidney again once he gets into the East side of Bryz’s Workshops. He’s waiting for Sidney on the other side of the tea cup tracks, shaking his head. Sidney heaves a sigh and hops out of a tea cup.

“Are you ever going to give up on that deranged fool?” Flower asks, flicking his tail. Sidney knows he’s talking about Bryz.

“He knows something that I don’t. I need to find out what it is,” Sidney replies, crossing his arms. “And I bet he isn’t as troublesome as you are, Cat. You have no room to talk.”

“Sidney, we’re _all_ mad here. But some of us are madder than others.”

Sidney doesn’t say anything. He climbs onto the ledge instead, and shoves open the door to the workshop. He hears Flower hiss behind him. Sidney ignores it. He’s got a pair of legs he needs to find.

&

Sidney makes it to the heart of the East Workshops and finds the White Rabbit, living life high and mighty, and in control of Bryz’s legs.

The factory is falling to pieces, and the Rabbit is standing in the metal of it, hanging from the ceiling in the Hatter’s suspended control room. He’s wreaking havoc on the room, having rigged the Hatter’s legs to the treadmill style crank that controls the cauldron that pours lava over the metal scraps. The legs are running faster than Sidney can track, and the Rabbit is cackling. Sidney looks around the room for a path.

The Rabbit doesn’t last long. Sidney finds his way across the room to the emergency lever and stops the molten lava and the Rabbit gives up, jumping down the escape shoot and leaving Sidney amongst the mess of scrap metal and broken platforms, with nothing but an animated pair of legs.

The garbage shoot opens up, and the legs jump inside. Reluctantly, Sidney follows. He still has the Doormouse to deal with, and Bryz’s arms to get back.

God, he doesn’t get paid enough for this. He doesn’t even _get_ paid, for fuck’s sake.

&

By the time Sidney lands at the bottom of the garbage chute, Bryz already has his legs attached again and is stretching them out in front of himself, one at a time.

“What happened here, Bryz? I was under the impression that the White Rabbit was dead,” Sidney says. Bryz finishes fixing his limbs and sighs.

“Death is a relative thing. What is death compared to losing the game?” he says.

“I’ll  never know what you’re trying to say. No matter, I’m off the your West Side Workshops. It seems you might have a rat problem,” Sidney says, uncrossing his arms and kicking away the scrap metal in front of the West Elevator. The crackling static sound of Bryz’s laughter follows Sidney up to the surface floor of the Workshops.

&

The Doormouse puts up more of a fight than the Rabbit. She’s done more damage, too, nearly putting the West Workshops out of commision. Every room that Sidney crosses through is falling apart worse than the last.

Sidney almost has her a few times, but inevitably she dekes through his attacks and scurries further into the Workshop, sending more monsters after him. It’s all standard stuff - Botterflys and Ruins, mostly - that is, until she sends the Eyepots after him.

If they didn’t have such horrible tempers, the Eyepots would be beautiful creatures. They’re made out of the finest gold teapots, combined with the smoothest joint technology that Bryz has access to in his workshop. The only thing is, all the boiling water makes their fuses incredibly short. The eyes on the sides of their pots are constantly glowing bright red, and the tea that they shoot as an attack burns horribly if it hits your skin.

Sidney hates them. The Doormouse doesn’t stop sending them.

&

Sidney finally corners the Doormouse and runs her out of the Workshop. He finds the Hatter’s arms attached to a cauldron of boiling lava. Now that the Doormouse is gone, they’re Bryz’s arms again and not her pawns, so they push themselves off the pot and down the chute. Sidney follows.

Now that Bryz is complete again, Sidney can see all the places where Bryz has fallen apart since the last time Sidney saw him. That last trip to Wonderland was so long ago that Sidney’s memories of it are incredibly fuzzy, if they’re there at all. He forgot how much tearing down the Funhouse broke Bryz apart, but now, looking at the clockwork pieces filling in the places of missing joints and ligaments, Sidney’s starting to remember.

Bryz doesn’t give him time to dwell on it. As soon as he works out the kinks in his arms, Bryz is ready to leave. They have to deal with the White Rabbit and the Doormouse once and for all. Sidney may have scared them off, but they’re still lurking around the Workshops, and now Bryz is angry.

&

They find the Rabbit and the Doormouse together in the Main Workshop of the Crockery, the two of them together inside of a giant contraption that looks handmade. It’s hinged to the ceiling and moves freely through the room, and for a moment, Sidney is afraid.

Bryz, apparently, is not.

He knows his Workshops well. He knows the weak spots in ways that the Doormouse and Rabbit do not. All it takes is one well placed hit for the whole rig to take the ceiling down, and White Rabbit and Doormouse with it.

Bryz cries. Sidney doesn’t understand it, but Bryz is still grieving for his friends. They betrayed him, took over his workshops and destroyed them, but he still mourns for the lives that he took.

“They’re dead now, Hatter. You have your body back. Now what about the train?” Sidney yells over the sound of the Workshop walls caving in. Bryz ignores him, babbling to himself. He’s digging through the rubble.

“Didn’t even get a last tea party together, such a shame. I forgive them now, yes, I do,” Bryz says, and Sidney shakes his head. This is the Funhouse all over again, the mental instability that seems to follow that top hat kicking in at the worst time. Bryz has lost his mind.

“Tell me, what are the new rules? Everything is upside now… literally,” Sidney tries again, but Bryz just continues to dig.

“The law is just, just a whisper away. A way for who? Who knows how to measure rules…” Bryz mumbles. Sidney is fast losing his patience.

“You promised me you had information for me. What is happening with that train?” Sidney asks through gritted teeth. Bryz wails and stops digging, tugging out the White Rabbit’s body from under the rubble.

“There’s no time for trains, Sidney! Now is time for tea! Look to Turtle, from the World’s League line. Now then, come on you guys! We can still be friends, yes! One last tea party, for old times sake,” Bryz moves the Rabbit’s body onto his lap.

In the end, Sidney leaves Bryz in the rubble of his workshop, cradling his dead friends in his arms. They can have their last tea party together in the afterlife, for all he cares. Now he has a damn train to catch, and Bryz’s broken puzzle pieces of advice have proved worthless in the face of the death of his dear friends.

Sidney can hear a train, the whistle loud and piercing. His head starts to swim. He’s looking for a way out of the factory, his vision getting steadily worse, when everything goes black.

&

When Sidney wakes up, he’s back in Houndsditch and he’s tangled in his sheets. The more he struggles to get out of them, the more stuck he gets, and Sidney’s breathing is starting to get short and he’s starting to panic, still not sure where he is. This _feels_ like reality but he just spent so long in Wonderland, his brain is so mixed up.

All of sudden there are hands on him, shushing Sidney and stopping the useless flailing of his limbs. Someone’s pulling the covers off of him, freeing him, and when Sidney is finally able to sit up, he sees that it’s Evgeni. Sidney doesn’t know what to say. He’s still a little confused - he knows he’s in the real world again, but his mind is so used to Wonderland. The difference in the two worlds makes him dizzy.

“You okay?” Evgeni asks, and Sidney looks up again. Evgeni is frowning at him, eyebrows creased together. If Sidney didn’t know any better, he’d say Evgeni looks worried for him.

“I’ll be fine. It’s nothing.” Sidney brushes the question off and pushes the sheets away to stand up. Evgeni steps in front of him, so Sidney can’t get to the door.

“Should stay in bed. You not _look_ okay,” Evgeni says.

“Evgeni-” he starts weakly.

“Geno.”

“... What?” Sidney asks. He isn’t sure if he and Evgeni are having the same conversation.

“Call me Geno. Is…” Evgeni - _Geno_ \- pauses, biting at his bottom lip. He lets it go a moment later with a frustrated sigh. “Geno is easier. Shorter. What I used to be called, in another place.”

Sidney just nods. Geno shoos him back onto the bed.

&

Sidney gets a full three days in reality before Wonderland sucks him back in. He spends the time with Geno, lazing around the Home. They spend all their meals together, and Sidney learns about Geno’s life. He learns how Geno looks in the morning, sleep rumpled and bleary eyed. Sidney learns that he takes his coffee black with 3 teaspoons of sugar. He learns about Geno’s childhood and, eventually, why Geno is living in Houndsditch.

“I used to live in Russia,” Geno tells him the second morning when they’re walking into the cafeteria for breakfast. They get their food and take a seat together at a table in the back of the room. Geno pauses to pop a pill into his mouth, and Sidney pushes a glass of water towards him. He gulps it down and gives Sidney a small smile, then pushes the glass back across the table.

When Sidney takes his two blue pills in his hand and pretends to swallow them, he feels guilty. He feels like he’s lying to Geno, and that leaves a bitter taste in the back of his mouth.

“What was Russia like?” Sidney asks, trying to get Geno talking and distracted so he won’t notice Sidney dropping the pills on the floor.

“Cold,” Geno answers, hiding a smirk in of his cup of coffee and Sidney throws his head back and _laughs_ , really _laughs_ for the first time in ages.

It might be a cold morning in the Home, but when Geno laughs with him, Sidney feels warm right down to his toes.

&

Later that night, the two of them are pressed close together on the back steps of the Home, looking up at the night sky. Sidney is pointing out the Orion’s Belt when Geno says, “When I was thirteen Mama sent me away from home.”

Sidney takes his eyes away from the sky to look at Geno.

“She say to me that I’m special,” Geno says, still looking up at the stars. “She say that I’m too special for own good.”

“What did she mean?” Sidney asks, quiet. Geno ducks his head, but he still doesn’t look at Sidney.

“Sometimes… I hear things, see things, that are not there,” Geno answers. He’s playing with his fingers, speaking slow and soft. Sidney leans closer to hear Geno say, “I used to talk to my babushka.”

Geno gives a sad smile towards the ground. Sidney curls his fingers around Geno’s hand.

“Problem was, babushka dead three years before I was born,” Geno says, picking his head up to look at Sidney. “Mama used to scream at me, tell me to stop pretending,” Geno whispers, voice rough now. Sidney squeezes his hand.

“Where did she send you? Where did you go when she sent you away?”

“Moscow,” Geno answers. “I went to Moscow, and stayed with friend. But then they call Papa, and Mama get upset again. She show up in Moscow with plane ticket for me, send me here.”

Sidney leans his head on Geno’s shoulder. “How did you find the Doctor?”

Geno shakes his head softly, careful not to jostle Sidney. “I not find Doctor, he find me. He bring me to the Home three years after I found Pittsburgh,” Geno says, quiet.

Sidney rubs a thumb over the back of Geno’s hand and doesn’t ask anymore questions.

&

It’s at the end of the third day that Sidney starts feeling dizzy. He falls into bed that night and wakes up standing.

When Wonderland solidifies around him, Sidney isn’t anywhere near the Crockery. Instead, he’s on the other side of Wonderland, in the heart of Tundrafall. For miles, all he can see is either the Arctic Sea or hulking ice structures.

Sidney gazes around and shivers. He can already feel a headache coming on, and he can feel the cold seeping straight into his bones. He knows already that this trip to Wonderland isn’t going to be an easy one to get through. Not that any of them are.

Sidney rubs his hands over his arms and starts following the trail that’s cut through the glacier.

&

The only other eventful thing in Tundrafall is the Hobby Horse. Sidney finds it when he’s running from a pack of Ice Snarks - vicious Piranhas with legs that like to burrow into the ice. He takes a sharp right finds an ice ramp leading down into a cavern. Sidney slides down the dip and lands heavily on the balls of his feet.

The Hobby Horse is really just a too-big-for-him staff with an intricately decorated wooden horse at the end of it, but when Sidney picks it up, he swears he can feel a surge of power go through it. It has a detailed paint job on the staff itself, and Sidney is admiring it when he sees something move out of the corner of his eye.

He turns to see a lone Ice Snark closing in. It must have burrowed in through the ice to get to him. Sidney tightens his grip on the staff and swings the Hobby Horse to nail the Ice Snark straight in the head. It takes three good hits but it goes down. Sidney grins in triumph.

&

Sidney doesn’t spend much more time in Tundrafall after that. He doesn’t need to. He can see a ship in a bottle in the distance, and if Sidney’s guess is right, that’s where he’ll find the Mock Turtle. Sidney figures since he’s here he can asks Turtle about the train. Then he can leave the Tundra, and hopefully head to somewhere warm.

Of course, getting to the Turtle is easier said than done. The glacier that the bottle is resting on is detached from the main piece of ice, and to get over to it, Sidney has to jump across about three or floor platforms of ice that are just stranded in the Ocean.

He makes it onto the first one okay, but as soon as his feet leave the ice to jump onto the second one, he’s knocked back down by something big and powerful. The impact takes the breath out of him, and Sidney lies sprawled out on the ice before he catches his breath and he can stand back up.

Sidney steps close to the edge again, and the thing comes flying back up out of the water. He sees that it’s some sort of biomechanical shark, with eyes glowing red, and metal teeth that look like they would tear chunks out of him.

Sidney groans. Why can’t anything ever be _easy_ here?

It takes Sidney five tries to get over the platforms and to finally get to the bottle ship. He finds the Mock Turtle cowering inside, pointing to the crack in the side of the glass and begging for Sidney to come in, too.

Sidney climbs in through the hole and settles himself on the deck of the ship. Not a minute later the sharks are banging against the glass, and the crack spiderwebs a little more. Sidney’s arms fly up to cover his face as the bottle cracks completely. The sharks hit the ship, and push it off the glacier. When it hits the water, it rocks backward and Sidney flies off balance. He hits the side of the ship head first. Pain blooms across his skull. Sidney tries to reach for the back of his head to check if he’s bleeding, but his arms feel like lead and it’s impossible to lift them. He looks around for the Mock Turtle.

Sidney’s eyes open for only a second before he passes out.

&

He wakes up again back in his room at Houndsditch. He’s lying on his bed and Geno is kneeling over him, both of his hands cradling Sidney’s face. Geno’s forehead knocks against Sidney’s, and all Sidney can hear is Geno mumbling frantic sounding Russian he doesn’t understand at all.

“G?” he asks tentatively. Geno doesn’t answer, but he does open his eyes. Sidney’s mouth drops when he sees how red they are.

“Geno, what-” Sidney starts, and then cuts himself off. Geno’s stopped mumbling now, so there’s just silence between them. Sidney reaches up with his right hand and palms Geno’s cheek, trying to reassure him that it’s okay.

Geno squeezes his eyes shut again and his breath hitches, and Sidney doesn’t get any other warning before Geno collapses completely on top of him, tucking his face into Sidney’s neck and sliding his hands under Sidney’s back.

“You _left_ ,” Geno says, voice sounding so small. “You were here and then… I blinked and you were just _gone_ ,” Geno whispers. Sidney hates himself.

“I’m sorry, G,” Sidney whispers, because it’s suddenly so hard to speak. Anything above a whisper seems impossible right now.

Sidney feels more than he hears Geno take a deep breath.

“I was so scared,” Geno says, voice still small and shaky. Sidney rubs a hand slow across his back, jerky and unsure. He hasn’t touched anyone like this in a long time.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” Sidney says. Geno tucks his head further into Sidney’s neck. Sidney just continues to rub Geno’s back.

&

They talk about it later. Once they wake up and Geno is reassured that Sidney is staying, at least for the time being, he has all sorts of questions. He also looks frustrated with himself, and Sidney doesn’t understand that at all.

Geno, it’s not your fault or anything,” Sidney reassures him in case that’s what Geno’s worrying about.

Geno just shakes his head and changes the topic. Sidney lets him, because he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t want to push and make Geno angry with him. Sidney just settles and tries to get back into the routine of living in reality.

On a Tuesday morning the Doctor calls Sidney in for his appointment. It’s just like any other Tuesday. the Doctor calls him in like clockwork - sits him down, listens to him and then sends him away. It’s a routine that’s so engraved in Sidney that even Wonderland can’t disrupt it.

Sidney walks down the long hallway from his room into the Doctor’s office and tries not to shiver. The house is old and the wind from outside whips at the wood, slipping easily through the cracks. It means the hallways are constantly freezing. Sidney thought he got used to the cold with all the time he spent in Tundrafall, but apparently not.

He gets to the end of the hall and stops in front of the door. The Doctor’s office is the only one in the house with a lock, not counting the deadbolt on the front door, and it’s always locked. Sidney raises a hand and knocks.

The Doctor opens the door a few moments later and gestures Sidney inside.

Without speaking, the Doctor sits himself down on the other side of his desk. Sidney closes the door behind him. There’s a seat in front of the Doctor’s desk for him, but Sidney doesn’t take it. He’d rather stand beside it.

The Doctor starts by asking Sidney how he’s been feeling. Sidney’s skin is already starting to crawl. “I’m doing fine,” He says shortly. Doctor Brumby straightens in his seat and Sidney is fighting the urge to start tapping his foot. It’s a nervous tick, one he’s trying to control.

“Sidney, is something wrong?” the Doctor asks. Sidney shakes his head. The Doctor is quiet still, waiting for Sidney to say something. Sidney just holds his head a little higher.

“Well, I think we need to talk about something, Sidney. I understand that you’ve been spending a generous amount of time around Mr. Malkin,” the Doctor says, shifting in his chair again. Sidney frowns.

“Well, we’re roommates. Spending time together is kind of unavoidable.” Sidney answers, tightening his hands into fists by his sides. In truth, Sidney would probably spend time with Geno even if they weren’t living in the same room. He didn’t realize before, but he really does treasure the moments they have together. It only took a stupidly long trip to Wonderland for Sidney to finally figure _that_ out.

He doesn’t say any of that to the Doctor, though. Sidney really doesn’t trust him. Everything about the Doctor grates on Sidney’s nerves, and gives him a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t have any where else to go, though, so he’s stuck here in Houndsditch, forced to go to weekly sessions and he’s routinely given pills he’s supposed to swallow and never does. It’s a cycle that Sidney has become accustomed to and built his life around. It’s how he survives the crumbling inconsistencies that his trips to Wonderland have become.

“You don’t seem to be in the best of moods today, Sidney. Maybe we should end early. In fact, why don’t you go talk a walk down to Mr. Johnston's offices, hm? It’s about time for a refill on your Trazodone,” the Doctor says as he shuffles the papers on his desk around, picking up a file folder and pulling a few sheets out of it. The pages look worn.

Sidney shuffles back and forth a little, waiting to be formally dismissed. He’s restless, and he just wants to be out of the office. Finally, the Doctor looks up from what he’s reading.

“You shouldn’t need the prescription, Mr. Johnston already has you in his files. Just go in and if the secretary gives you any trouble, tell her to call me. You’ve done this before.” He laughs and shakes his head. “You can go now, Sidney.”

Sidney wastes no time in rushing for the door, yanking it open and getting the fuck out of there.

&

He doesn’t stick around Houndsditch. Sidney still feels restless, and being stuck in his room seems unbearable right now. Besides, he needs to fill his prescription, and a walk around the square sounds like just what he needs.

Sidney’s crossing over one of the many bridges in Pittsburgh when his stomach twists. He stops then, standing in the middle of the bridge, one hand on his abdomen while he tries to take a breath in. He leans over the side of the bridge, suddenly feeling nervous and fluttery. The water beneath him is a dark blue.

Honestly, Sidney should have seen this coming. Everything has been too quiet lately, he should have known better than to get used to it. Reality is never a constant in his life. He is never guaranteed another day in Pittsburgh.

Wonderland is always a guarantee. There is no way around it, Sidney’s tried for ages.

HIs stomach twists again and Sidney’s head starts to hurt. Sidney’s vision blurs and he knows what’s coming next. _Wonderland._

He stands at the edge of the bridge and closes his eyes.

&

When Sidney opens his eyes again, he’s standing at the edge of the Deluded Depths, in front of a gate to what looks like an underwater shopping plaza for the things living in the area. On the wooden fence outside of the shopping plaza, there’s a sign nailed up. The letter’s are too worn for Sidney to read it, but if he had to guess he’d say that it was just a sign for the region.

The underwater areas of Wonderland are places that Sidney has never understood. The physics don’t make any sense, and the people that live in the areas don’t make sense either. They look like hybrids - fish and other sea creatures that take on human faces and traits. They even walk, talk and dress like they are humans. Sidney’s always been unnerved by them.

He hopes that whatever he has to do here ends quickly. He doesn’t care where he goes after, he just doesn’t want to be in the Depths.

&

The first person Sidney talks to in the Deluded Depths is the Carpenter. He’s one of the only relatively normal people to come out of the Depths, human-looking and, for the most part, sane. Sidney finds him working hard to fix up the Wells Fargo Theatre, running around like a chicken with its head chopped off. Just watching him flit around makes Sidney dizzy.

He’s doing an outstanding job, though. Wells Fargo is in impeccable shape compared to how it looked the last time Sidney saw it, during his first Wonderland trip. The seats have been replaced and the holes in the stage where the wood rotted away have been fixed. Curtains now hang where, previously, there had been none. Standing in the entryway and looking down the rows at it all, Sidney feels small.

Sidney watches the Carpenter abandon his place in the wings of the stage. He hops down into the pit, still holding his oversized hammer, and Sidney takes this pause in movement to call for his attention. “Danny!”

The Carpenter turns around, and Sidney gets a good look at Danny Briere, for the first time since Sidney’s first visit to Wonderland so long ago.

“Sidney! Long time no see,” Danny says with a smile, dropping the hammer and walking down the aisle towards Sidney.

“It’s been a while, yeah,” Sidney agrees. He shoves his hands in his pockets, suddenly nervous. Danny doesn’t seem to notice.

“I suppose it has. So much time, but still not enough.” Danny shakes his head. The smile that had been gracing his features suddenly drops. He’s very serious when he straightens up and says, “Look, Sidney, I need your help. I have a show opening tonight and I’m not prepared for it at all. There’s still work to be done in here, fixing last-minute things in the woodwork. I’m afraid I spent so long focusing on how the theatre looks that I haven’t paid any attention to the show.”

“What do you want me to do?” Sidney asks. Danny hums, thinking.

“I only need you to get the script from Octopus for me, and wake up the leading Oyster Starlets for my show.” Danny looks down the aisle and towards the empty pit area. “And maybe tune the Musical Fish before directing them all to the theater. If you do all of that in time for curtain call, I’ll talk with you about whatever you came here to talk about.”

Sidney resists the urge to cross his arms in front of himself. “The Train, Danny. I need to know about the train that goes through Wonderland.”

“The Infernal Train?” Danny asks. When Sidney shrugs and nods, he smirks. “Oh, I can help you with that. But first, get me my script. You can find Octopus in his cave outside of town.”

&

It takes Sidney way too long to find the cave. He gets lost about three times, turned around in different directions, never exactly sure of where he came from and where he’s already been. He eventually finds the place, though, reassured from the lavish furniture he finds decorating it. The cave is adorned with fancy writing desks and tall book shelves.

Octopus, when Sidney meets him, is grouchy and short tempered. Sidney asks him for the script and he launches into a long rant about how he isn’t appreciated enough, and how he doesn’t even like being a playwright in the first place.

Sidney takes it all in stride and nods in the places where it seems appropriate. Eventually Octopus stops and sighs. He waves two of his tentacles at Sidney and uses the others to push himself towards the other end of his cave.

“You can go, I’ll bring the script down to Danny myself. It’s not a personal thing, but… I don’t trust any one else with it,” Octopus says as he starts pulling open the drawers to one of his desks.

At this point, Sidney isn’t going to stick around and ask Octopus if he’s sure. He doesn’t want to listen to another rant. He sighs and leaves, annoyed that he wasted his time and frustrated with headache he’s left with.

Sidney has never wished to have reality back so bad before.

&

Sidney’s looking for the Musical Fish when he finds the door. It’s just this random wooden door in the middle of nowhere, nothing attached to it at all. There’s a fire behind the glass pane and it looks like it’s trying to fight its way through the wood to get to Sidney.

He knows he shouldn’t open it, but he does.

The scene that’s unfolding is strange. The door opens right into Queensland and suddenly Sidney is staring at the center courtyard of Wonderland.  He can see the Queen’s full court in formation, the queen at the center. She’s in front of her throne, looking incredibly smug. Held in chains next to her, somehow, is Sidney.

There are Card Guards standing in neat lines on either side of the throne. Sidney watches the Queen look around, casting Prisoner Sidney a dirty look before commanding, “Guards! Bring him to me.”

Sidney doesn’t know what’s happening. He doesn’t remember this at all. He remembers his last visit to Queensland going much more smoothly - he wasn’t in chains, and the Queen wasn’t angry with him until the very end, when he beat her in a game of hockey. The scene that’s happening feels very familiar, though. It tugs on something in his brain that’s nagging at him to remember. It feels like he’s forgotten something important.

Prisoner Sidney yells then, and starts to struggle against the binds. The two Card Guards closest to him leave formation to grab Prisoner Sidney and force him down to his knees, his arms pulled painfully behind his back. He’s still yelling, though, and the Guards kick at him to get him to stop. He shuts up but keeps struggling, and Sidney watches as the Guards pull his arms painfully further behind his back, only stopping when the Queen yells out again.

“Halt! Leave the prisoner,” she says, and Sidney’s attention is drawn away from Prisoner Sidney towards the center of the courtyard. There’s someone slumped on the stones, but Sidney can’t see very well with the Card Guards standing in his way.

“Fall back into line. He isn’t going anywhere,” The Queen says loftily. The Guards rush to follow.

Now that they’ve moved, Sidney can finally see the other prisoner. He focuses on the body, but he can’t see the face. From the scales and the gills that are helplessly opening and closing, searching for water, Sidney guesses it’s one of the Merman from the Deluded Depths. He has no idea what the Queen could want with one of them.

The scene cuts off then, and Sidney is left reeling, coming back to present day Wonderland. He lets go of the door and falls to his knees as it shuts, clutching at his head. He grits his teeth so hard that he can hear the enamel cracking together.  

Sidney has no recollection of that ever happening. He doesn’t remember being a prisoner of the Queen’s, and he still doesn’t understand what a merman was doing all the way in Queensland but, the event was so clear. The longer he thinks about it, the more it makes sense in his head. It feels like he’s gotten pieces of a puzzle together, but there’s still the frustration of a gap right in the middle of the picture.

Sidney has so many questions, but he doesn’t even know where to start looking for the answers.

God, his head fucking _hurts_.

&

It doesn’t take Sidney long after that to send the Orchestra fish down to Wells Fargo. He gets lost again trying to find the Starlets, but he gets back on track and deals with them without running into any major problems.

Of course, he should’ve expected something to go wrong. it’s Wonderland.

He’s late getting back to Wells Fargo, and he feels rude walking in during the show, but he’d feel even ruder if he missed it entirely. After all, Danny is sort of a friend to him. More so, Sidney still needs to talk to him about the train.

When Sidney slips in through the door, what he sees on stage isn’t a show. It’s a _massacre_. The wood is covered in _red_ , the blood of the Oyster Starlets seeping into it. The crowd is yelling and crying.

Danny sees him and pushes him back towards the door before Sidney can see much more. He’s yelling at Sidney to go, to get out of Wells Fargo. Sidney struggles against his hold, refusing to leave without an explanation.

“You said you were putting on a show here! This isn’t a show, this is _murder_!” Sidney yells, voice so hard to hear over the screams and cries of the audience.

“You don’t understand! There’s no time to explain.” Danny stops pushing at Sidney, only to clasp his hands on Sidney’s shoulders and shake him instead. “I’m only trying to protect our part of Wonderland. Don’t you see?” Danny sounds desperate and crazy, pleading with Sidney.

“Protect it from _what_? What’s coming?” Sidney asks, knocking Danny’s hands from his shoulders. Danny isn’t looking at him anymore - he’s looking behind Sidney, and he’s frightened at whatever he sees. Sidney tries to turn, but Danny grabs him again.

“You have to listen to me, Sidney,” Danny says. “You have to believe me. You have been tricked by someone, someone that you think you know well. They are the person behind all of this horror, they are the one trying to ruin Wonderland!”

“What are you saying? Who? Who is lying to me, Danny?” Sidney asks, but Danny’s looking over his shoulder again, face white with fear. Sidney tries to turn again, but he gets shoved to the side this time.

“I don’t know anything more! Find Caterpillar!” Danny yells, before there’s a huge _crash_. The front of Wells Fargo is caving in, and there’s a train coming straight down the aisle. “He can help you!” Danny yells, before the train is rushing by Sidney, the same Infernal Train that tore through the Hatter’s workshops, and Danny isn’t there anymore. The crowd is still screaming and everything reeks of blood and misery.

Sidney doesn’t remember leaving, the next thing he knows he’s in the middle of nowhere, lost in the Depths. Sidney stops for a second and realizes that he’s shaking and heaving, choking on the air that he can’t seem to find. He stumbles and catches himself against a wall. He slides down it and curls into as tight a ball as he can, shoves his head between his knees and tries to figure out how to breathe again. Tries to figure out how to make his head stop hurting.

Flower shows up at some point. Sidney doesn’t know when, but when he eventually calms down and pulls his head up he sees the Cat. Flower grins at him and Sidney presses both of his palms against his eyes.

"I'm not looking for a fight." Sidney whispers, throat raw and voice barely heard. He unfolds himself from his tight ball but he doesn’t make a move to get up.

"Well, too bad, because one is certainly looking for you," Flower says.

Sidney groans. "I don't want to do this anymore - fix Wonderland. My head is getting worse. Every trip makes it worse. I don't think I can handle more."

Flower is losing his patience, and lets out a feral growl.

"Like I've told you many times before, _there is no choice here_. There is evil lurking and it has your name painted on it. There is nothing you can do," Flower spits at him, prowling across the ground in front of Sidney.

"I could just ignore it." Sidney says, still looking at the Blade. Flower hisses. Sidney looks up because he knows that wasn't something he should've said. "I know. I know I can't."

Flower doesn't say anything. The roses on his coat begin to shudder, and piece by piece, he disappears into nothingness. Sidney closes his eyes and breathes out slowly.

Coming back to reality sneaks up on him and hits him like a freight train. His headache is just as bad as it was in Wonderland.

Sidney stumbles down the cracked Pittsburgh sidewalks, barely makes it around the corner and down an alley before he’s heaving. He moans, low and hurt. With each trip to Wonderland his head gets worse. Sidney’s scared that he’ll break soon, shake apart so hard that he just disappears completely.

He won’t think about it more, though. Geno worries enough already.

Sidney sighs and wipes at his mouth, sliding to sit against the alley wall.

He’s so, so fucked.

&

The time between visits is getting shorter.

Sidney doesn’t even make it back to Houndsditch before he’s being sent off again, waking up in the middle of the Dollhouse. He’s in a room filled with broken toys - stuffed animals that badly need to be stitched back together, broken dolls, music boxes that don’t sing anymore. There are children there that are still playing with them, though.

When Sidney looks closer, he finds that the children are as equally broken as their toys.

It’s a Dollhouse of Death, and Sidney almost begs for a way out of it.

He doesn’t like the children in Wonderland. They follow him around and treat him like a hero, but they get in the way and Sidney can't always protect them when he needs to fight. They remind him too much of reality, of the things he saw and did - or couldn’t do - there.

Sidney doesn’t spend long in the Dollhouse. He comes back to reality in his room at Houndsditch, shaking and crying and sobbing out his sister’s name, his hands curling into fists. He's heaving with tears, choking on a memory.

Geno rubs his back and mutters soothingly, but Sidney can’t calm down. He can’t let go of the guilt that he feels. His family is dead and he survived.

Sidney wasn’t able to save her. Sidney couldn’t save any of them.

He doesn’t sleep at all that night.

&

Sidney is drunk on cheap gin, and Geno won't stop looking at him like he's something important.

He’s not. Important, that is. Sidney doesn’t think he’s all that great. He thinks he’s actually a pretty terrible person. A shitty person with an even shittier memory.

Ever since he went back to Wonderland last time, Sidney’s head has been getting steadily worse. His memories feel like a puzzle getting taken apart and put back together again with different pieces. Somehow the pieces fit better, but they still don’t feel quite right.

Sidney spent five minutes ranting to Geno about it before the other boy got up and left the room. Sidney immediately stopped, afraid that he had finally pushed Geno over the limit.

That fear completely went when Geno dashed back into the room and quickly closed the door behind him, pulling the contraband liquor from underneath his shirt with a grin.  

Sidney doesn’t even care where it came from. He just takes the bottle as Geno sits down and drinks as much as he can in one gulp.

"My family died in a fire. That much I remember. They… the doctors, and the other people that took care of me, they didn’t let me forget that.” Sidney sighs and takes another drink. “Everything else is... well." He waves the bottle around.

Geno nods. He’s sober compared to Sidney, only having a few pulls like he’s trying to savor the taste. Maybe it’s just that Sidney is drinking everything fast.

“You remember after the fire?” Geno asks, voice low. Sidney stops moving for a second and just stares at the blank wall across from them. He thinks about the question, turning up his memories again and again. Now that he’s thinking about it, Sidney isn’t sure which ones are real and which ones are just things that he’s fabricated, fictional events that he made up trying to fill in the gaps of his memory.

“I remember Mario taking care of me,” Sidney says, because he knows for sure that Mr. Lemieux was the one that took him in after the fire. “He works in town, building the new train tracks. He was a friend of my dad’s…” Sidney trails off, then, remembering the first night he spent with the Lemieuxs. Mario and Nathalie were so nice to him, careful but not overly so. They were the only ones who ever _asked_ him how he was doing, and it felt like they actually listened to his answer.

“He still live in town?” Geno asks.

“I think so. Why?” Sidney wrinkles his nose. Geno nods to himself and then stands up. He takes the bottle from Sidney and hides it under a loose floorboard.

“You sleep. Clear head, in morning we pay Mr. Mario a visit.” Geno says and helps push Sidney back to lay down. He’s got that stubborn look on his, the one he gets that Sidney knows means he won’t be convinced otherwise. Sidney doesn’t fight, he just goes where Geno puts him.

&

Sidney wakes up the next morning with a dry mouth and a horrible headache. It’s not a Wonderland headache, though, but something else. He just lies there to get his bearings until he hears the bed across from him squeak. Geno whispers, his voice morning rough, “Sid?”

“Morning, G,” Sidney says, smiling across the room at Geno, who answers him with a slow, sleepy grin. Sidney kicks the covers away and stretches, wincing a little from the hangover.

Sidney laughs when Geno finishes yawning and stumbles across the room towards Sidney’s bed. It’s funny, and one of his favorite things is to watch Geno waking up in the morning. He’s so bad at them. Geno pokes at Sidney’s arms and throws the blankets all the way off of him. Sidney shakes his head and sits up, following him to the communal bathrooms.

&

Sidney hasn’t visited the Lemieuxs in years, but he still remembers exactly where their house is.

He leads Geno there after they’ve both gotten dressed and eaten a bland breakfast of porridge and burned toast. Geno takes his pills and Sidney pretends to, and then they're on their way.

When they walk up to the front door of the Lemieux home, Sidney feels a knot of nerves low in his belly. He turns to Geno on the front step, nervous about seeing Mario and Nathalie for the first time since he was forced to leave.

What if they don’t want to see him again?

Geno seems to understand that something is wrong, and he untucks his hand from his pocket to lay flat against Sidney’s back. He feels the warmth of Geno’s fingers in five pin-point spots, the weight of it an anchor for Sidney. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.

Nathalie answers it.

She looks at Sidney and blinks, shocked. Sidney gives her a small smile and she blinks again before saying, _“Sidney?”_

“Uh, yeah,” Sidney says, ducking his head and feeling his cheeks grow hot. Nathalie shakes her head and reaches out to smack his shoulder.

“Where have you been? I know you left, but that doesn’t mean you can’t visit, honestly!” She crosses her arms in front of her and Sidney drops his head even further, mumbling that’s he’s sorry.

Geno’s standing behind him and laughing. It feels so good to be scolded by her.

Nathalie leads them inside to the dining room table, where Mario is already sitting with the newspaper. He looks up as they walk in, grinning when he sees Sidney.

Geno hangs back in the doorway and watches the scene. He’s quiet as Mario brings Sidney in for a hug, clapping him soundly on the back. They pull apart and Sidney is smiling, so big and wide.

Sidney gestures Geno in, putting his arm around Geno. “Mario, Nathalie, this is Geno. He’s my roommate at the Home.” They both greet Geno happily, and once the introductions are settled they all sit at the table.

“What brings you back here, Sidney? Is everything okay?” Nathalie asks, curious and sounding a little worried. Sidney sits up straighter in his seat.

“I’m okay, Nath. Just a little confused. I came here to see if you could clarify a few things for me,” Sidney says.

“Anything you need, Sid. Is it about the fire?” When Nathalie asks, Sidney sees Geno tense up next to him. Sidney doesn’t bat an eyelash. He just nods, and Nathalie goes on. “We don’t know much, but we can try our best.” Sidney gives her and Mario a small smile. It’s never been hard for him to smile at them.

“I don’t think I’m remembering everything right. I thought I did, but recently things have been… falling out of place? I’ll be forced into a memory of an event, and it won’t be anything like I thought it was.” Sidney pauses to take a deep breath. Mario nods encouragingly.

“Something happened... I saw something that completely contradicted my memories. What I believed to have been true turned out to have never happened. My mind is… it’s in ruins. Ever since then, I’ve been losing memories all over the place. I just need to know what happened after the fire. What happened after I came to live with you two?” Sidney’s voice is wavering by the end, and Geno is gripping his hand tight under the table. Nathalie and Mario share a weighted look across from them.

“Sidney, after the fire you were extremely broken. Lady Snatch was taking care of you, but you were too… its was too much. She wanted…” Mario stops and looks back to Nathalie. He seems reluctant to finish his sentence, but at Nathalie’s strong nod he sighs and continues. “She wanted to send you to Rutledge Asylum. She very nearly succeeded, then, but I stepped in.”

“Like Mario said, Sidney, you were so distressed after the fire. You kept talking about this… this Wonderland you go to. You would disappear sometimes for days, and we wouldn’t know what happened to you. You worried us terribly,” Nathalie says, and she reaches across the table for Sidney’s other hand. He gives it to her easily.

“I’m sorry,” Sidney whispers. Nathalie shakes her head.

“You shouldn’t be the one saying sorry, Sidney. There’s no reason for you to be sorry.” Nathalie takes his hand in both of hers and holds his tight. Sidney bites his lip, feeling tears welling up.

“If anyone should be apologizing it should be me,” Mario grits out. “I didn’t fight for you hard enough when Dr. Bettman came in demanding that we take you to Rutledge. When he came to the door and said he was going to take you…” Mario shakes his head. “I was so afraid of that man before. I couldn’t do anything to help you, and I let him lock you up in the asylum. It was foolish, and I can never tell you how sorry I am about it.”

Sidney shakes his head. “This isn’t your fault either, Mario. It’s-”

“It’s that _damn_ doctor. Bettman. Don’t let him fool you, Sidney, he is anything but a good man.” Mario says, jaw locked with anger.

Sidney pulls his hands back from both Nathalie and Geno.

“You’re telling me it’s the Doctor that’s been lying to me?” he asks, all attention now focused on Mario, who nods.

“Thank you both, for everything.” Sidney says, quiet and sincere to the Lemieuxs. Then he turns to Geno and says, “We’ve got some business to take care of.”

“Sidney, where are you going?” Nathalie asks.

“To find out the truth from the Doctor,” Sidney answers and stands up from the table.

&

Geno follows Sidney out the door but he stops at the top of the steps, gasping loudly. Sidney whirls back around, confused. Geno isn’t looking at him, though, he’s looking down the street front of them. He looks shocked, and in awe. Sidney turns back and follows Geno’s gaze, trying to find what Geno could possibly be shocked by.

All Sidney sees are some mushroom sprouts that lead nowhere, and dumb patches of overly green leaves. They look unnatural against the dreary black building… but that’s because they are. They’re typical foliage for Wonderland, but not here. Maybe that’s why Sidney doesn’t even blink at seeing them. He doesn’t know why Wonderland is leaking into reality. Maybe because he’s getting closer to the truth. Geno, though… Geno is amazed.

“Is this what Wonderland looks like for you, Sidney? Is this where you go?” Geno asks, still looking all around at all the new things that have come up. Sidney tries to see everything the way Geno must be seeing it.

“Not really, no,” Sidney says, shaking his head. He’s become way too used to these sights for it to be new anymore. “Everything is different. Nothing is like reality, all these buildings and streets… they don’t exist.”

“So why i _s_ it here?” Geno asks. Sidney bites his lip, thinking about it.

“I don’t… I don’t really know, G,” He answers.

Geno just hums at the answer. Sidney looks over to see him poking at one of the Spring Shrooms. He’s leaned in close and is reaching out when Sidney yells, “Careful!”

Geno jolts backward, eyes like a deer in the headlights. Sidney runs over and shoos him away from the Shroom.

“Step on one of those things and you’ll go sky high. It’s not a fun experience when you’re not expecting it.” Sidney shakes his head. “You’re too curious for your own good. Come on, we have to keep moving. I don’t know how much time I have-” Sidney cuts himself off and looks at Geno, who’s stopped walking.

“Not know how long until go back.” Geno finishes, and Sidney bites his lip. Geno searches Sidney’s face for something, and must find it because a moment later he nods. Sidney can visibly see Geno steel himself before he started walking again.

Sidney follows him numbly.

&

When they climb up the front steps and push up the door to Houndsditch Home, Sidney immediately starts down the hall towards the Doctor’s office. Now he knows who to blame for the holes in his memory, for the confusion, Sidney wants to waste no time in confronting him.

Geno curses behind him and grabs the back of Sidney’s shirt. “What you think you doing?” he hisses.

“What do you mean? I want answers, Geno. Wouldn’t you?” Sidney says. He thought Geno was on the same page as him with this, but apparently not.

“Should wait, Sid. Think about it, make plan,” Geno counters.

Sidney sighs, relenting. Genos’ right, he needs a plan. Instead of barging down the hall, he turns to the left and pushes open the door to their room.

&

Sidney steps through the door to the room and then suddenly he’s in Wonderland, the _real_ Wonderland.

He doesn’t get much time to look before something stabs him, and when he glances up there’s a mob of Card Guards converging on him. Sidney must have landed in the middle of the Queen’s Court, and he must still not be welcome after last time.

Sidney gets hit _hard_ , and he barely fights them off before he’s getting pulled back into reality. He hears Flower yelling for him, yelling that Sidney needs to be _careful_ , but Sidney’s already too far gone from Wonderland and there’s nothing he can do.

That day, Sidney comes back bleeding. Geno is sitting in the room at the foot of the bed waiting for him, and when Sidney stirs, he hears Geno react loudly. Before Sidney can even move, Geno's hands are on him, pressing against his wounds and wiping away blood.

Sidney sits up and tries to tell Geno that it's alright, he doesn't feel it, but he just gets pushed back down onto the bed.

"What's wrong? Geno, what-” Sidney tries to sit up again and this time Geno lets him, drawing his hands back. Sidney looks down at himself, watching his wounds close and the blood disappear, like it always does, and then looks up at Geno. He’s still hovering over Sidney, his eyes clearly a mix of worry and fear. Geno says something fast in Russian and Sidney just sits there, still staring. Geno curses, his cheeks red.

“ _Worried_ , Sid. You leave so sudden, and come back-” He stops and Sidney is floored by the pure sadness he sees in Geno’s eyes. “You come back and there so much blood, Sid, you so _pale_. How I’m not worry?”

“I’m alright, G.” Sidney’s recovered enough to sit up, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. This is a familiar argument. This is safe. “You know that. I’m always alright.” He waves an arm towards himself, now perfectly healed and blood free. Geno’s jaw locks.

“No you not, Sid!” Geno yells and Sid almost flinches because that… he wasn’t expecting that. That’s not routine. Before he can say anything, Geno is yelling again.

“You always come back hurt! Maybe... maybe you don’t _feel_ , but not mean it not there! Each time more blood. You not tell me it doesn’t make head hurt worse. You always so grouchy now, so- so-” Geno grits his teeth and clenches his fists. Sidney hops off the bed to stand in front of him.

“What do you want me to do, G? This is what I’m supposed to be doing! I come back bloody because that’s the way Wonderland is right now, it’s chaotic. But that’s why I keep going! I’m the one that’s supposed to fix it, they’re all relying on me. You don’t even know how bad it is, how much work there is to do. I’m trying my best, here!” Sidney is yelling now, angry because Geno’s angry at him. He thought Geno understood, but apparently he was wrong.

“Wish Sid just not go,” Geno says, softer now. In the space between breaths, all of Sidney’s anger floods out of him. 

“I have to, Geno. I have to.”

Geno nods sadly and stares at the floor. “Know this, Sid. Still worry.”

Sidney doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just stays quiet. He climbs back onto his bed and pulls Geno in, and they fall asleep huddled around each other.

The next time Sidney wakes up, Geno isn’t there. He can hear Flower in his head, yelling at Sidney that he needs to _hurry up_ , and Sidney knows that it isn’t long now before the train comes.

He’s terrified.

&

Sidney finds Geno in the bathroom down the hall. He’s leaning over the sink, the sleeves of his button down rolled up to his elbows. The stopper is in the drain, and the sink is full with soapy water. Geno has something in his hands and is holding it under the water, scrubbing.  Sidney leans against the doorway and watches him.

“Didn’t think you be up,” Geno says, but doesn’t turn around. He keeps his head down and scrubs.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Sidney shrugs.

“What are you cleaning?” Sidney asks when it’s clear Geno’s not going to talk.

This time Geno stops. He brings his hands out of the water and reaches for the hand towel hanging next to the sink.

“Try to get blood stains out of clothes. Harder than I’m think,” Geno answers, drying his hands and turning around to Sidney.

Sidney doesn’t know what to say.  “G, you don’t have to do that.”

Geno just shrugs, looking bashful.

“Come on. Take a break, come back to bed with me,” Sidney says feeling brave and a little reckless. He likes how it feels when Geno falls asleep next to him, the warmth and weight in his bed. He feels _safe_. Geno bites his lip, and Sidney raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, Sid,” Geno says, smiling and looking pleased.

Geno passes out as soon as they both get settled, and Sidney stays in bed with him for a while. He doesn’t stay long, though. He knows what he has to do, now that he’s back in reality and dragging this out will only make everything hurt more.

Sidney curls closer to Geno and kisses his forehead. He savors the moment while he can.

&

Outside of Houndsditch, Wonderland has become even more intrusive. Sidney can see it in the sky now, the swirling reds and oranges that he’s seen before in the Vale. Pieces of debris hang in the atmosphere. Sidney can hear the chug-chug-chug of a train flying down the tracks. It’s only a matter of time before one pushes the other out completely. Sidney’s head is aching, and he doesn't have room in his mind for two separate worlds any more. Something has to give, and it has to happen soon.

Sidney follows his feet to the station a few blocks over, following the noise of the train. When he heads down the steps down into the terminal, the only person he sees is the Doctor. Sidney glares at him, hands clenching into fists at his side. He really wishes he had the blade right about now. Or maybe the Grinder.

The Doctor laughs. “I suppose you think you’ve won,” he says. Sidney just glares.

“I want the truth, Doctor,” Sidney says. The Doctor raises an eyebrow.

“And what truth would that be?” he asks, laughing. “I simply have no idea what you are talking about, Mr. Crosby.”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about!” Sidney yells, angry at how nonchalant the Doctor seems about everything. The Doctor rolls his eyes and Sidney’s hands curl into fists so tightly that his nails are drawing blood from his palms.

“Enlightenment me, Mr. Crosby.”

“Tell me what you did to my sister. Tell me what happened the night of the fire!” Sidney says, voice low and furious. The Doctor puts his hands up, mouth open to try and start some speech preaching his innocence. “And don’t fucking lie to me!”

“If you so insist on the truth,” the Doctor says, smirking. Sidney’s scowl deepens as he continues, “Your sister didn’t die in the fire. I killed her. She was a nasty little thing to me, and so I gave her what she was due.” Brumby shrugs and Sidney’s fingers twitch, aching for a weapon.

“And the fire?” Sidney prompts. There’s the sound of a train whistle in the distance.

“Oh, I started it. I knew that just killing your sister would be too suspicious. I had to burn everything. You were supposed to die in that fire, Sidney. You all were.”

“That’s why you forced me into Wonderland,” Sidney forces out through gritted teeth. “You wanted me to forget about everything that happened that night.” Sidney is shaking now, with rage and with frustration. His memories were broken for so long, and the whole time the pieces to put them back together were right in front of him. The train is getting closer - Sidney can hear the sound of the wheels running over track getting louder.

“Someone catches on quick.” The Doctor laughs, loud and crazy, a maniacal grin on his face.

“You’ll die for this!” Sidney threatens, and the Doctor shakes his head.

“You don’t get it, do you? Sidney, no one in town will take your word that I confessed. They all already think you’re crazy. Do you really think they’d listen to you?” the Doctor shouts over the sound of the oncoming train. Sidney can feel the beat of the _chugg-a, chugg-a, chugg-a_ in his blood.

“Who said anything about the people in town?” Sidney yells, and before the Doctor can reply Sidney finally sees the train break the tunnel open for the terminal.

He reaches out with both of his hands and he _pushes_ , relishing the Doctor’s scream as he falls onto the tracks.

The train never stops.

When Sidney steps back up onto the street, Wonderland has completely invaded the city. It’s the piece of Wonderland that Sidney loves, though.

The oranges and blacks that were previously swirling in the sky have been flushed out and replaced with a clear blue. The streets and cracks between the buildings have been filled with the grass and plants typical of the Vale of Tears. The world is quiet, peaceful, and calm. Sidney takes a deep breath and turns to walk back to Houndsditch.

Geno is sitting on the top step waiting for him. When Sidney sees him, his heart skips a beat. He’d be lying to himself if he said he expected this.

Sidney always thought that when Wonderland finally broke him, he would be left alone. He didn’t think that he would be able to have everyone else.

On the step next to him, Sidney sees Flower. The Cheshire Cat is shaking his head at Sidney, flicking his tail in amusement.

“Where did you find this one, Sidney? Tell me,” Flower teases, one ear twitching towards Geno. Sidney laughs.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Cat. I got lucky,” Sidney says, soft and happy, _finally_.

Geno gives him a smile. “So this is how life is now?” Geno asks, gesturing past Sidney and towards the street. “This is how we live?”

Sidney nods. He looks up and around, turning to take everything in.

“This is how we live.”


End file.
